i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
You Might Also Like
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.