Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
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A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.