[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
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Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.