Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
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When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.