Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
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RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.