New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
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if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Sing it!
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.