Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
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Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
The government even made aliens boring