[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
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Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?