I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
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mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
And then there were 4
I think this cat is broken
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.