There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
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I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.