There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
You Might Also Like
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Whoa 😂
I identify as an antique shop.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time