[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
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Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….