[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
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As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…