I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
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on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa