“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
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Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.