I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
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Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business