Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
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Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I’d love this…lol
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Sorry. Not sorry
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Unimpressed
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.