The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
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establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I have so many questions.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
you gotta be faster