Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
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Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
⛄️
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Banking tips
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.