Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
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Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png