All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
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The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Does this dress make me look cat?
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
this is the news I live for
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Finally, an explanation.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?