Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
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*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
the prophecy has been fulfilled