Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
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When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”