doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
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I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*