[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
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There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them