me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
You Might Also Like
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.