me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
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[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?