My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
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You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.