I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
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A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!