[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
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Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
how to have an accident 101
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
concern
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.