I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
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I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
tell em, edith-anne
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Just say no
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.