“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
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Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.