6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
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Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
our love story in four pictures
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Many hands make light work
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.