ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
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Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I saw nothing
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.