god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
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Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.