Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
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*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!