“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
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Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.