me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
😂😂😂
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”