When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
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I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Denise please return my vape pen
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶