The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
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Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Oh, I bet you would be
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.