Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
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I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.