I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
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Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Festive toon…
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.