Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
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#Caturday
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
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Unfollow
Me?
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.