I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
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Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
the red hot silly peppers
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.