Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
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if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.