On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
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hmmm
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what