me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
You Might Also Like
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
August 8
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”