Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
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[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”