Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
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Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Not all heroes wear capes…
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?