your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
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If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’